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Home » Archives for July 2019

Business Strategies

Say What?! It’s Nothing Personal: Communication Clues from the…

  • by Parillume

Understanding, and communicating with, the three social stances of the Enneagram.

Do you ever get your feelings hurt by a colleague’s communication style?

Me too. And the Enneagram provides clues so we can understand why.

A few days ago, a friend and I were on Zoom discussing an upcoming project he was working on. He had called me for help with structuring a presentation, and I was thrilled to provide my best tips, tools and processes. After an hour, he had a powerful, punchy outline we both were excited about. Or so I thought.

Just as we were about to get off the call, his mood changed. He appeared irritated and no amount of clarification, affirmation or problem-solving could reach him. “I’m just… this talk doesn’t make any sense. I’m going to have to figure this out on my own…” he said.

Ouch.

I got off the call and felt confused, frustrated and most of all, hurt. It wasn’t until we began texting about the dynamic the next morning that I understood why.

It’s nothing personal: Communication Clues from the Enneagram

Looking through the conscious lens of the Enneagram, we discover the 9 types divided into 3 “Social Stances” – what I call “Leans”: Three unique ways of interacting with the world to get their needs met.

Leans provide a shortcut to understanding our colleagues’ definitions of good communication – and to not being offended by them.

The Assertive Types: Enneagram 3, 7, 8

Let’s begin with the Assertive types: Enneagram 3, 7, and 8 lean into people and the world to get their needs met. They are movers and shakers, and you can feel their presence in a room, so try not to be intimidated or to take their efficient, straightforward, intense communication personally.

  • Enneagram 3 Achievers are assertive about success, so be efficient and affirming in your communication, and dangle a carrot or two in front of them. They are hungry to achieve the next goal.
  • Enneagram 7 Enthusiasts are assertive about their freedom. Allow them to express their ideas and plans without judging or limiting them. They may not act on these ideas, but they don’t want to hear that they can’t!  
  • Enneagram 8 Challengers are assertive about truth and justice, so leave your passive-aggressiveness, sandwich approach, and tip-toe communication at the door. These types prefer you talk straight. They want the truth, even if it hurts.

The Withdrawal Types: Enneagram 4, 5, 9

On the other extreme of communication are the Withdrawal types: Enneagrams 4, 5, and 9, who lean away from the world to get their needs met. These types can be masters of “ghosting,” so it’s important to understand – and to not take personally – their tendency to disengage and regroup.

  • Enneagram 4, Individualists, withdraw from the present moment. When they are ready to process, they’ll want to engage on an emotionally real and deep level. They are not afraid of the dark!
  • Enneagram 5, Investigators, withdraw from people. If you find them slinking away from a dinner party to hunker down over their latest innovation, try not to take it personally. Give them time and space to prepare for conversations and meetings.
  • Enneagram 9, Peacemakers, withdraw from conflict. If you are upset about something, wait until you are calm before approaching them, and give them time to respond on their own terms.

The Compliant Types: Enneagram 1, 2, 6

And finally, the compliant types – Enneagram 1, 2, and 6 – lean with the world, striving to match its rules and expectations. Don’t take it personally if you can’t always meet their standards.

  • Enneagram 1, Reformers, are compliant to the rules – both external and internal. Communicate with clarity, integrity and in the language of constant improvement. Don’t be offended when they point out mistakes, problems, and pesky impediments to perfection.
  • Enneagram 2, Helpers, are compliant to people, and love to be in warm, friendly, affirming environments. Don’t take it personally if their desire to connect becomes smothering. They want to help, so let them: Encourage them to share what they need – and help them meet that need! They’ll love you for it.
  • Enneagram 6, Loyalists, are compliant to expectations – both perceived and real. Don’t be offended by their skepticism: They need to doubt until there is no doubt, so give them space to share all the troubles they see ahead and then reassure them that, as the Beatles said, “We can work it out.”

A follow-up conversation with my friend

The next day, after my friend took a long bike ride to practice the presentation in his head, and he and I laughed about what we discovered when we looked through the lens of the Enneagram:

As an Enneagram 7, my colleague was having fun coming up with ideas until the very end when it felt like a ton of work to fulfill them. He was irritated and frustrated because he felt overwhelmed by the amount of work required to finish preparing the presentation. As a 7, he is assertive about freedom. Getting on a bike and fleshing out the outline in a fun, organic way was exactly what he needed.

As an Enneagram 3, I am assertive about success: I can’t help but work hard. I approach nearly everything I do with the effort that will yield true excellence. I had wanted to give my friend my very best, and to serve him. And yet, his final frustration felt like failure to me – the bane of the 3!  I felt relief and compassion when I realized his response wasn’t personal, but was rooted in the needs of a 7 for freedom.

What about you? Is there someone on your team that you regularly feel hurt by? Perhaps it’s time to put on the conscious lens of the Enneagram and look for clues about their communication style. You may be surprised to discover it has nothing to do with you!

Want more tools and take-aways for your team? Would a playful tour through all 9 Enneagram types add value to your organization’s or association’s next event? If so, please schedule a consultation today. I’d love to chat with you!  

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Business Strategies

Say What?! Myers Briggs and The Communication Conundrum

  • by Parillume

Bridging the gap between Myers Briggs iNtuitives and Sensories

A Myers Briggs iNtuitive and Sensory walk into a meeting…

Have you ever wondered why certain meetings with certain people fly by, full of fun and accomplishment, while others feel awkward, bloated and ineffective?

No, you have not entered “The Twilight Zone.”  Welcome to…

The Myers Briggs Communication Conundrum

A conundrum is “a confusing and difficult problem, question, or riddle.” One riddle in relationships is how to bridge the gap between Myers Briggs pairings. The (E)xtroverts and (I)ntroverts, the (T)hinkers and (F)eelers, the organized (J)udgers and spontaneous (P)erceivers can at least understand, if not share, the perspective of their paired type.

The trickiest gap to bridge spans the second letter in our Myers Briggs type: i(N)tuitives and (S)ensories. This N/S cognitive function defines input – how we take in information – and it directly affects our output in a meeting.

iNtuitives, as the name suggests, glean information from beneath the surface, through hunches and bursts of insight.  Theirs is a deeper, quirkier dive into the land of abstraction, theory, concept, and hidden connection.

An iNtuitive’s internal brilliance can manifest as a predilection for weird independent films, nuanced humor, and surprising leaps. These types – also called “Idealists” – are full of ideas, and don’t always notice what is happening around them. An iNtuitive’s genius burrows deep – think of Albert Einstein’s paradigm-shifting perspectives, of his uncombed hair and wrinkled shirt.

Sensories, on the other hand, gather information through their five senses. They are “Explorers” of the tangible world that’s in front of them, in real-time.

Sensories don’t delve into the hidden depths beneath the “here and now” – they live in, and through, the external world. A Sensory’s brilliance, like Sherlock Holmes’, is literal, descriptive, and tends towards pragmatism.

So what’s the conundrum in N/S communication?

Both the N and the S want to create great meetings and solve problems, but they define good communication differently: For an N, as a web of deeper connections and future possibilities; for an S, as a concrete set of conditions and solutions found in the here and now.

And so: They can often miss – and dismiss – each other.

In one meeting with a leadership team I shared my insights about how to use their new strengths and personality tools to improve outcomes. As an iNtuitive, I could “see” in my mind’s eye the concepts I was describing – and the connections among them.  But when a Sensory on the team repeatedly asked for a concrete, step-by-step recipe, I realized I had unwittingly entered the Communication Conundrum Zone.

I understood the dynamics on the team as a web of relationships and conceptual patterns – and I expressed myself that way. It made sense to the other iNtuitive leaders, but to the Sensory it was a foreign language: There was nothing tangible to grab onto.

I’ve seen this with clients in my Free to Shine!℠ program: while iNtuitives speak my native language, Sensories often ask me to translate what I’m saying into concrete terms and real-life examples.

Solving the Conundrum

The key in a meeting is to recognize, and value, both N and S input styles, and to adopt one’s output accordingly, in service to a solution:

Honor your iNtuitives’ leaps from A to Z and you will unleash their genius for uncovering hidden patterns.

Invite the iNtuitives to share their insights, connections and creative ideas. It’s YES time:  Their ideas may not be immediately practical, but they provide new options, and fertile ground for nurturing them. Just let your Sensories know that the group is in a brainstorming stage, so they will feel less lost, impatient, or frustrated.

Sensories thrive on concrete data points and real-world connections – and will gift you with practical observations and solutions in return.

When it’s time to land on a solution, your Sensory types will ground the options in the here and now. iNtuitives can be reminded that, while their ideas have merit, it’s time for practical, hands-on implementation.

Einstein and Holmes on the Case: A Powerful Combination

I’ve seen the power of a Visionary “N” Leader and a Boots-on-the-Ground “S” Second-in-Command or COO who understand and honor each other. And I’ve seen the frustration and disconnection when they don’t.

A recent iNtuitive, Idealist leader I’ll call Max struggles to say “No” to clients. He easily leaps from now into possibility, from A to Z without considering the 24 letters in between. He often puts his team – and his Sensory COO Lauren – in a bind as they strive to juggle new demands and overlapping obligations.

By understanding this dynamic, and the superpowers and kryptonite inherent in their N/S input functions, they found a simple solution:

Instead of automatically saying “Yes” in every client meeting, Max now says “Great idea! Let me check with Lauren to make sure we can serve you in that time frame.” Max gets to keep his idea alive and tell the client he wants to serve them, while promising that the company – through Lauren’s superpower – would consider all the letters from A to Z.

Lauren is relieved that she no longer has to disappoint clients with a practical “No” after her boss’ visionary “Yes.”  She can focus on the practical steps, guided by Max’s deeper vision.

Your Turn

So, the next time you’re feeling a little awkward, confused or frustrated in a meeting, consider that you may have bumped into a Communication Conundrum. The lens of Myers Briggs can provide a perspective shift.

If you haven’t already, I encourage you and your team to take the Myers Briggs assessment, discover where you stand on the N/S spectrum, and adjust your expectations – and your meetings – accordingly.

In the meantime, if you have questions about how to apply strengths and personalities on your team, or if you’d like to learn more about how my Shine From Your Original Design℠ for Teams program can help you improve engagement, communication and bottom-line results on your team, I’d love to chat with you!

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Lisa Foster works with dynamic leaders and their teams who want to leverage strengths and personalities to improve engagement, communication and bottom line results.

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