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Home » Archives for September 2019

Leadership Development

Yes or No?

  • by Parillume

Conflict and the Burning Question

The answer – Yes or No – to our Burning Question shapes our moment-to-moment experience of life and conflict. Consider the Enneagram Chart.

Conflict seems to arise from people and circumstances beyond our control. Consider, however, that conflict – internal and external – is fueled by our perceptions, and our perceptions are shaped by our strengths and personalities – our superpowers, kryptonite and, most importantly, our core motivation: the Burning Question.

What is the Burning Question?

I believe each of us has an internal, subconscious question that has run the show since we were children. When the answer is Yes, all is right with the world, as if we’ve donned invisible “Oo-la-la” lenses. These rose-colored glasses show us a world full of possibility, positivity and invincibility.

For instance: My Burning Question is “Am I worthy and accepted?” When a meeting planner hires me to speak at a conference, or when I finish my to-do list and move Parillume forward – Yes! I am worthy and accepted.

But eventually, no matter the situation or circumstance, our lens shifts. When the answer to our Burning Question is No, we find ourselves critical, judgmental and indifferent– towards ourselves and others. We’ve replaced our rose-colored “Oo-la-la” glasses with the “Ew” lens.

When a client cancels a session, I don’t hit my KPIs, or I don’t get enough positive feedback about a presentation or training – No, I am not worthy and accepted.

Our Burning Question has us constantly scanning our environment, seeking a Yes to feel safe and loved in the world.

Imagine how that plays out in a family or on a team: When everyone’s answer is Yes, all is well. When anyone’s answer becomes No, conflict ensues.

When my son was young, the only way I knew to answer my Burning Question with a Yes was to have him adapt to external expectations: Show good manners, get straight A’s, be kind and polite to everyone.  He was a channel for collecting praise and assuring myself that I was a good Mom.

If he had the same Burning Question as me, that may have worked. But his Burning Question is “Am I unique and significant?” This meant he sought to stand apart from the group, to be completely honest and authentic – a stance which was in direct opposition to my desire to earn praise through his safe, “good” behavior.

This parental blind spot created conflict between us. I didn’t recognize his Burning Question – or my own – and so stifled his authentic expression.

It doesn’t have to be this way – in our families or on our teams. What if we could see and understand our Burning Question and the questions of those around us? What impact would that have on our lives, careers and conflicts?

The Burning Question Enneagram Chart

Currently, there are over 2000 personality assessments on the market – many of which provide valuable information. I integrate three of them in my work with teams, couples and individuals: CliftonStrengths, Myers Briggs and the Enneagram.

Of those three, only the Enneagram reveals our Burning Question, our unconscious core motivation.

The Enneagram is a growth tool that not only describes patterns of thought and behavior, but also reveals what’s underneath: the core fear, motivation and desire of 9 personality types.  And it’s one of the only prescriptive assessment tools, providing concrete tools to actively shift from habit to empowered choice.

The chart above reveals the 9 Enneagram types and their Burning Questions. Notice that when we are exercising our Superpowers – those natural strengths that energize and engage us – the answer to our Burning Question is Yes: We don the invisible “Oo-la-la” lens, and all is well.

When immersed in our Kryptonite – those activities or circumstances that drain and demotivate us and destroy our confidence – the answer to our question is No. We wear the invisible “Eww” lens, and find ourselves enmeshed in internal and external conflict.

How to Use the Chart

Look for your Burning Question on the chart above, and think about those times and places and people you’ve felt the best around. Were your Superpowers at play? Was the answer to your Burning Question Yes?

Now think about conflicts in your life. Were you experiencing your Kryptonite? Was your answer to your Burning Question No?

Now think about those people in your world you have the most conflict with. What do you think their Burning Question is? How has it impacted the conflict you feel with them?

As you begin to look through the conscious lens of the Enneagram and discover the Burning Questions of those around you, you’ve taken the first step towards transforming conflict into collaboration. 

In my next few blogs, I’ll teach you how to complete this transformation through a simple, three-step process I call Accept, Articulate and Apply™.

In the meantime, if you would like to learn more about how I can help you and your teams resolve conflict and communicate in ways that honor each individual, I’d love to hear from you!

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Relationships

Money Motivation Matters

  • by Parillume

A Motivation and Communication Guide for Couples

It’s too bad “Money Motivation and Communication Guides” don’t come with every marriage certificate. I could have used one in my first marriage.

Whether it was my ex-husband’s pattern of “surprising” me with new puppies, cars, horses, or homes he wanted, or my secret shopping sprees at Nordstrom, honest communication about money was sadly missing from our conversations.

We did not understand how to communicate about – or leverage – our unconscious money motivations.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

The Enneagram reveals three money motivation categories that can help couples gain a new perspective about their relationships to money and to each other.

The “Bring It On!” Types ~ Enneagram 3, 7, 8

The theme song for these assertive types could be Donna Summer’s “She Works Hard for the Money!” Motivated to work hard in pursuit of money, these types will slow down long enough to sit with a financial planner only if it gets them one step closer to their goals of success, freedom, or control.

3 Achiever

Motivation: Money gives me worth and acceptance. I want to make good money so I can buy nice things, invest and grow rich – and so that others can see my success. I work very hard to provide for myself and my family. Investments and financial planning will become important once I’ve acquired the accoutrements of success.

Communication: Don’t expect me to trade in my BMW for a Kia just to save for retirement. However, if you can help me let my authentic heart – not my fear of unworthiness – guide my financial choices, I may find the peace and true prosperity I long for.

7 Enthusiast

Motivation: Money gives me freedom! I work hard for one reason: EXPERIENCES, baby. Anytime, anywhere. I work to travel and explore the world – on my terms.

Communication: Don’t expect to reduce my travel budget, no matter how much we’re saving for retirement. It’s what I live for. But do remind me to stop and smell the roses long enough to see that there truly is no place like home…

8 Challenger

Motivation: Money gives me safety and control. It allows me to be the master of my own fate. If I want a lot of money in the bank or in my retirement account, that’s where I will place my focus – and it will happen. If I want the biggest house on the block, I will get that as well. I will push through any obstacle to get what I want.

Communication: Don’t manipulate me about money or waste my time in front of a financial planner that just wants to sell me something to pad their own pocketbook. Instead, remind me that our financial future isn’t just on my shoulders and that I can relax, let go and let others take care of me, too.

The “Blasé” Types ~ Enneagram 4, 5, 9

The Beatles’ “Money Can’t Buy Me Love” is the theme song for these withdrawal types, who move away from others and the world – and the relentless pursuit of money – to understand who they are and what they want.

4 Individualist

Motivation: Money isn’t real. It’s an arbitrary construct about value and as such I use it in ways that bring true value to me: creating works of art, a beautiful home full of meaningful, unique objects, and authentic, deep relationships with those who see me for who I am.  

Communication: Don’t expect me to buy a cookie cutter house in a cookie cutter neighborhood, or stay at a job I hate just to make ends meet, or to NOT buy that expensive, one-of-a-kind painting which will forever remind me of the magic of the moment. Instead, remind me that at some point I have to join the financial planning club in order to be fully expressed and have the unique objects and experiences my heart longs for.

5 Investigator

Motivation: I can live in a trailer and sleep on the floor as long as I have the space and time to think, research, investigate, and innovate. I am motivated by mastery and strategy. If money comes with that, great. If not, as long as my basic needs are met, I’m good. 

Communication: If you can link my hunger for competence to financial planning and the ability to investigate and understand investments, then I may become the family expert and share my findings – and we both win.

9 Peacemaker

Motivation: I am motivated by peace and harmony, internally and externally. I am not interested in deep, disturbing conversations or fights about money. I am not that motivated to earn more. If it comes, and is in flow with my life and the deep connections I feel with my family, great. If not, I’ll get by with less. 

Communication: Be sure to talk to me ONLY when you are calm and not in fear about money. Please don’t ask for huge overhauls or for me to get a second or third job just so we can go to Hawaii for the holidays. If instead, we can make small, incremental changes over time that don’t disturb the peace, and help create harmony in the future, I’ll be happy.

The “Whatever You Say” Types ~ Enneagram 1, 2, 6

The “Whatever You Say” types seek external guidance, so their theme song is “Show Me the Way” by Peter Frampton. They want to follow a proven path to do right by themselves and others. Once they find it, they’ll follow it: budgeting, giving, and saving for a rainy day.

1 Reformer

Motivation: I am motivated by doing things right, by having integrity. What I love about money management is that it’s clear if you are in integrity or not. I have my budget, giving, saving and investing categories and I am continually working to improve our numbers.

Communication: I know it can be a challenge to communicate with me, because I believe already have the right answer – and it was NOT shopping at Costco when you were hungry last week! If you can help remind me that it’s ok to spend and make the occasional mistake, while letting me guide us in doing what’s right financially, we can move forward powerfully – and with integrity.

2 Helper

Motivation: I am motivated by love – I want to love everyone and be loved in return.  I’ve got a Ph.D. in Generosity. I am the one offering to pay for everyone’s drinks at Happy Hour and buying my kids EVERYTHING they want on their holiday lists.

Communication: You can start by telling me how much you love me and appreciate my generosity and track record of giving. And remind me that I am worthy of giving to myself. I am worth investing, saving, and spending on myself – and that I’m not selfish for doing so.

6 Loyalist

Motivation: I am motivated by security and support, so as you can imagine I am a natural at managing money, troubleshooting, and preparing for the future. I can see trouble a mile away and plan for it. I can’t help but save for that rainy day, because I know it’s coming!

Communication: I need you to create a space for my skepticism. It’s not that I’m a pessimist or just being negative. I need to doubt until there is no doubt. I poke holes in all of our financial plans in order to make sure they are secure. If you can let me do that, I will help us create a powerful, secure financial foundation.

Looking back through this money motivation guide, I am not surprised by the behaviors in my last marriage. My ex-husband and I are both “Bring It On!” types who found a way to get what we wanted, even if it meant a little manipulation or strong-arming.

My new husband and I have already begun using the wisdom of the Enneagram to create a financial life and future we both love.

My hope is that you and your partner can do the same.

To learn more about my work helping couples leverage their strengths and personalities to create a relationship they adore, please reach out. I’d love to connect!

To work with a financial planner that understands the Enneagram and how to apply money motivations to create your financial future, I encourage you to visit Team Duncan Financial.

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Lisa Foster works with dynamic leaders and their teams who want to leverage strengths and personalities to improve engagement, communication and bottom line results.

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