The Hack the Holidays Enneagram Gift Guide

A Reindeer-in-Headlights Guide to Gift Giving

Are you like a reindeer in the headlights when it comes to holiday gift exchanges? Have no fear: The annual “Hack the Holidays Enneagram Gift Guide” is here!

Each of the Enneagram types in your life desires external gifts, but requires internal ones to grow. What if we could give both this year – to ourselves and to others? 

Enneagram One Reformer

All I want for the holidays – and always – is everything in my business and home life to be organized, systematized and process-mapped by color – and ideally, laminated – including my holiday shopping, baking and moments of scheduled merry making.

Gift Ideas: Gifts that help me be more organized, efficient, and do the right thing at the right time: A laminator or personal hand embosser; Peloton Bike; or the book Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones by James Clear.

The greatest gift you can give me: Remind me that the holidays don’t have to be “perfect” to be perfect – and that I don’t have to be perfect to be perfect.

Enneagram Two Helper

All I want for the holidays is… All 184 non-profit organizations that I’m involved with to reach their financial goals. My kids and spouse to get everything on their Christmas wish lists. My team at work to actually, sincerely, participate in the gift exchange with thoughtful gifts – no more last-minute gift cards from Target!  

Gift Ideas:  Anything that shows you’ve thought of me and our relationship: A journal with our fun memories written on every few pages; a WillowTree Friendship Keepsake Box; a Sunday Suppers Recipes and Gatherings Cookbook. Bonus points if I don’t have to tell you my wish list, but you remember something I said months ago that I like.

The greatest gift you can give me:  Love and care for me the way I do you… Remind me that the holidays are for me to enjoy too – that I’m loved without trying to be. 

Enneagram Three Achiever

All I want for the holidays is to reach all of my 2019 goals – personally and professionally – by the stroke of midnight on December 31st and to have a whole new set inspiring me for 2020 by January 1^st.

Gift Ideas: Anything that will take me to the next level in life or business: A personal trainer or certification opportunity; a Full Focus Planner or even better… a Seated Under-Desk Elliptical – which means I don’t have to stop working to work out – my fantasy!

The greatest gift you can give me:  Please remind me that that it’s okay to relax and stop working so hard all the time.  I’m worthy of enjoying the holidays not because of what I achieve, but because of who I am.

Enneagram Four Individualist

All I want for the holidays is authentic expression and connection and romance and depth of feeling– not this commercialized ridiculousness we call Christmas, but an existential exploration of who we truly are as humans on this dying planet. What? That doesn’t sound fun to you?

Gift Ideas: Anything that reflects that you see the real me and that you get me: Original artwork; a book of Haiku written by you about me; Foodie Dice or an authentic Turntable Station and Vinyl Record Stand.

The greatest gift you can give me: To know I belong, that I can fit in and still be special – all at the same time.  

Enneagram Five Investigator

All I want for the holidays is time alone: To quietly excuse myself from the post-meal charades marathon or the sing-along by the fire so I can go work on my latest, greatest project.

Gift Ideas: A Garrett Ace 300 Metal Detector; Cyxus Blue Light Blocking Glasses for Computer Use; Bose Noise Canceling Headphones; Will It Fly?: How to Test Your Next Business Idea So You Don’t Waste Your Time and Money by Pat Flynn.

The greatest gift you can give me:  Remind me to trust myself – to show up without having everything figured out in advance. Including that New Year’s Eve party.

Enneagram Six Loyalist

All I want for the holidays is to know we aren’t headed into another great recession in 2020. (Though I will say, I’m prepared if we do!)

Gift Ideas: Besides an emergency Apocalypse Kit? (Which I already have anyway): A Genuine Leather RFID Blocking Bifold Wallet or Lightweight, Anti-Theft, Waterproof Shoulder Bag also work.

The greatest gift you can give me is support and reassurance. To remind me that no matter what happens in 2020, at the end of the day, I will be okay.   

Enneagram Seven Enthusiast

All I want for the holidays is Freedom! To spend every day of my kids’ holiday break going on a different adventure, Doesn’t that sound fun?

Gift Ideas: I’d like new experiences to explore:  A local drumming or dance class; Airbnb or Southwest Airlines Gift Cards or The Bucket List book so I can dream about 2020 and beyond!

The greatest gift you can give me: Remind me that even if I don’t make it to Bermuda this year, I can be content and fulfilled with what – and who – are right in front of me.

Enneagram Eight Challenger

All I want for the holidays is people to be straightforward adults and speak to me in bullet points and for justice to prevail.

Gift Ideas: I’d like a gift that doesn’t make me feel too mushy – something practical that helps me to feel safe and in control, like a Leatherman Wave Plus Multitool, a new drill set or set of weights, or maybe just a superhero cape. (Just sayin’.)

The greatest gift you can give me: Remind me that there’s nothing wrong with mushy – that vulnerability is a kind of strength.

Enneagram Nine Peacemaker

All I want for the holidays is peace…. No boats being rocked anywhere at any time about anything. Ever.

Gift Ideas: Anything that allows me to enjoy – even more – being comfy at home with my family over the holidays: An oversized pullover or weighted blanket; Ugg Slipper Socks; a Hammock with a stand…

The greatest gift you can give me is to remind me that, even if the boat sometimes rocks during the holidays, it will right itself.

Want to learn more about how the Enneagram can be the gift that keeps on giving for your team? Schedule a consultation call today!

In the meantime, may your holidays shine as bright as your personality!

Happy Holidays!

Stop, Drop, and Accept

How to put out fires in your relationships.

If your clothes are on fire, you know to Stop, Drop and Roll. But how about when you’re burning up inside because of what someone said to you? Then it’s time to Stop, Drop, and Accept. Learn how to put out fires in your relationships in 60 seconds.

What do you do when you’re on a date, or enjoying Thanksgiving with family, or at the annual strategic planning retreat and suddenly – BOOM! – someone lobs a conversation bomb, and you find yourself burning up inside?

Do you lash out, lobbing an even bigger bomb back? Do you stay quiet and simmer? Or walk away and cry, calling your best friend to lament what happened on the drive home from work?

Does your reaction put out the fire or fan the flames?

Recently, my husband and I were enjoying a lovely brunch when I began to share details about the whiskey tasting party I was planning for his birthday. In the midst of my description of tasting stations and Glencairn glasses, exotic cheeses and dark chocolates sourced from around the world, he said, “But I don’t want a whiskey tasting like that. These are my friends! Why can’t we just be casual?”

BOOM!

“What?!?” I thought, “Does he not realize that I create great events? And that this is our chance to entertain his friends for the first time since I moved in with him? And that the last time he hosted a ‘casual’ dinner party with his friends, he served the three Blue Apron meals delivered to him that week and his guests had to sample each meal off of mismatched, chipped plates?!?”

Conflict is shaped by our perceptions, and our perceptions our shaped by our strengths and personality. In that moment, my perception was shaped by what I call the Eww lens – an invisible, unconscious lens of my personal perspective: my core motivation, fear and desire. Because I was looking through my Eww lens, I found myself burning up inside.

During my 21-year marriage that ended in divorce, I wore my Eww lens constantly, and would have started a fight – about how I wanted his birthday party to go.

On this particular day, however, just as I was about to open my mouth and release the flames, I remembered to Stop, Drop and Accept – the first step in a methodology I teach leaders, teams and couples in order to turn conflict into collaboration.

When the internal fires burn:

STOP

• Don’t fan the flames by opening your mouth in reaction.
• Breathe.
• Notice your internal state.
• Consider the unconscious, subjective Eww lens you have on – based on your core motivation, fear and desire – and how it shapes your perspective and your internal reaction.

To stop, I kept my mouth shut, and noticed that my internal state was irritated, angry, frustrated and hurt. Through my Eww lens I saw Tom as dismissing my party-planning gifts, leaving me unable to express my superpowers in service to him and our friends.

DROP

• Drop your invisible Eww lens.
• Put on the lens of strengths and personality – what I call the Oh… Of Course lens – by reviewing the personality-assessment data you’ve collected about yourself and the other person.

Sitting there, quietly chewing my salmon omelet and sipping my vanilla latte, I chose to shift my lens from Eww to the Oh… Of Course lens of the Enneagram.  My internal flames started to subside. Our reactions in this situation had nothing to do with right and wrong, and everything to do with our unconscious lens – our core motivations, fears and desires as revealed by our Enneagram types.

ACCEPT

• With the lens of strengths and personality on, ask “What is it about my personality that’s causing my reaction?”
• Allow compassion for yourself to douse the flames of criticism and anger.
• Now ask yourself: “What is it about their personality that underlies their reaction?”
• Expand your compassion to the other person: “Oh… Of course they dropped that bomb in that way; and of course I reacted in this way!”

Oh… Of course we’re going to have a different approach to his birthday party:

As an Enneagram 3 Achiever I am motivated to be worthy and accepted, which I achieve by working very hard at everything I do until it’s excellent and successful and impressive to others. Oh… Of Course I’m going to react if I’m told I can’t do my best, create a special birthday party – and look good in the eyes of Tom’s friends.

Tom, on the other hand, is an Enneagram 8 Challenger. He’s an iconoclast and wants to be safe and in control. He wants earthy authenticity and the truth – not superficiality. Oh… Of Course he wants to feel in charge of his own birthday party and wants it to be simple and pragmatic versus showy.

In that moment, I had a choice to make. I could react from the trap of my Enneagram 3 personality – chasing approval – or I could respond from a place of empowerment. Yes, I was bummed to let go of my fancy, impressive plans, but it was his birthday – not mine.

“Ok, got it,” I said. “So maybe we don’t need to have a five-course whiskey tasting with coordinating appetizer stations… It’s your birthday. How would you like the whiskey tasting to go?”

The flames that could have burned down Tom’s birthday party died out, and we were left to collaboratively plan, based on both of our desires.

This internal process can happen in a moment: as soon as a bomb is thrown into a conversation, we can instantly Stop, Drop and Accept. In other words, practice not opening your mouth until you are grounded in compassion – for you and the person in front of you.

In my next blog, I’ll share the second step in the process: How to articulate, in a safe, constructive way, the obstacles and challenges that came up when the bomb went off.

In the meantime: If you struggle to communicate with your team or family, let’s chat about how you can Stop, Drop and Accept to put out the fires in your relationships and create a culture of compassion, honor and impact where everyone – including you! – shines from their original design.

Money Motivation Matters

A Motivation and Communication Guide for Couples

It’s too bad “Money Motivation and Communication Guides” don’t come with every marriage certificate. I could have used one in my first marriage.

Whether it was my ex-husband’s pattern of “surprising” me with new puppies, cars, horses, or homes he wanted, or my secret shopping sprees at Nordstrom, honest communication about money was sadly missing from our conversations.

We did not understand how to communicate about – or leverage – our unconscious money motivations.

But it doesn’t have to be that way.

The Enneagram reveals three money motivation categories that can help couples gain a new perspective about their relationships to money and to each other.

The “Bring It On!” Types ~ Enneagram 3, 7, 8

The theme song for these assertive types could be Donna Summer’s “She Works Hard for the Money!” Motivated to work hard in pursuit of money, these types will slow down long enough to sit with a financial planner only if it gets them one step closer to their goals of success, freedom, or control.

3 Achiever

Motivation: Money gives me worth and acceptance. I want to make good money so I can buy nice things, invest and grow rich – and so that others can see my success. I work very hard to provide for myself and my family. Investments and financial planning will become important once I’ve acquired the accoutrements of success.

Communication: Don’t expect me to trade in my BMW for a Kia just to save for retirement. However, if you can help me let my authentic heart – not my fear of unworthiness – guide my financial choices, I may find the peace and true prosperity I long for.

7 Enthusiast

Motivation: Money gives me freedom! I work hard for one reason: EXPERIENCES, baby. Anytime, anywhere. I work to travel and explore the world – on my terms.

Communication: Don’t expect to reduce my travel budget, no matter how much we’re saving for retirement. It’s what I live for. But do remind me to stop and smell the roses long enough to see that there truly is no place like home…

8 Challenger

Motivation: Money gives me safety and control. It allows me to be the master of my own fate. If I want a lot of money in the bank or in my retirement account, that’s where I will place my focus – and it will happen. If I want the biggest house on the block, I will get that as well. I will push through any obstacle to get what I want.

Communication: Don’t manipulate me about money or waste my time in front of a financial planner that just wants to sell me something to pad their own pocketbook. Instead, remind me that our financial future isn’t just on my shoulders and that I can relax, let go and let others take care of me, too.

The “Blasé” Types ~ Enneagram 4, 5, 9

The Beatles’ “Money Can’t Buy Me Love” is the theme song for these withdrawal types, who move away from others and the world – and the relentless pursuit of money – to understand who they are and what they want.

4 Individualist

Motivation: Money isn’t real. It’s an arbitrary construct about value and as such I use it in ways that bring true value to me: creating works of art, a beautiful home full of meaningful, unique objects, and authentic, deep relationships with those who see me for who I am.  

Communication: Don’t expect me to buy a cookie cutter house in a cookie cutter neighborhood, or stay at a job I hate just to make ends meet, or to NOT buy that expensive, one-of-a-kind painting which will forever remind me of the magic of the moment. Instead, remind me that at some point I have to join the financial planning club in order to be fully expressed and have the unique objects and experiences my heart longs for.

5 Investigator

Motivation: I can live in a trailer and sleep on the floor as long as I have the space and time to think, research, investigate, and innovate. I am motivated by mastery and strategy. If money comes with that, great. If not, as long as my basic needs are met, I’m good. 

Communication: If you can link my hunger for competence to financial planning and the ability to investigate and understand investments, then I may become the family expert and share my findings – and we both win.

9 Peacemaker

Motivation: I am motivated by peace and harmony, internally and externally. I am not interested in deep, disturbing conversations or fights about money. I am not that motivated to earn more. If it comes, and is in flow with my life and the deep connections I feel with my family, great. If not, I’ll get by with less. 

Communication: Be sure to talk to me ONLY when you are calm and not in fear about money. Please don’t ask for huge overhauls or for me to get a second or third job just so we can go to Hawaii for the holidays. If instead, we can make small, incremental changes over time that don’t disturb the peace, and help create harmony in the future, I’ll be happy.

The “Whatever You Say” Types ~ Enneagram 1, 2, 6

The “Whatever You Say” types seek external guidance, so their theme song is “Show Me the Way” by Peter Frampton. They want to follow a proven path to do right by themselves and others. Once they find it, they’ll follow it: budgeting, giving, and saving for a rainy day.

1 Reformer

Motivation: I am motivated by doing things right, by having integrity. What I love about money management is that it’s clear if you are in integrity or not. I have my budget, giving, saving and investing categories and I am continually working to improve our numbers.

Communication: I know it can be a challenge to communicate with me, because I believe already have the right answer – and it was NOT shopping at Costco when you were hungry last week! If you can help remind me that it’s ok to spend and make the occasional mistake, while letting me guide us in doing what’s right financially, we can move forward powerfully – and with integrity.

2 Helper

Motivation: I am motivated by love – I want to love everyone and be loved in return.  I’ve got a Ph.D. in Generosity. I am the one offering to pay for everyone’s drinks at Happy Hour and buying my kids EVERYTHING they want on their holiday lists.

Communication: You can start by telling me how much you love me and appreciate my generosity and track record of giving. And remind me that I am worthy of giving to myself. I am worth investing, saving, and spending on myself – and that I’m not selfish for doing so.

6 Loyalist

Motivation: I am motivated by security and support, so as you can imagine I am a natural at managing money, troubleshooting, and preparing for the future. I can see trouble a mile away and plan for it. I can’t help but save for that rainy day, because I know it’s coming!

Communication: I need you to create a space for my skepticism. It’s not that I’m a pessimist or just being negative. I need to doubt until there is no doubt. I poke holes in all of our financial plans in order to make sure they are secure. If you can let me do that, I will help us create a powerful, secure financial foundation.

Looking back through this money motivation guide, I am not surprised by the behaviors in my last marriage. My ex-husband and I are both “Bring It On!” types who found a way to get what we wanted, even if it meant a little manipulation or strong-arming.

My new husband and I have already begun using the wisdom of the Enneagram to create a financial life and future we both love.

My hope is that you and your partner can do the same.

To learn more about my work helping couples leverage their strengths and personalities to create a relationship they adore, please reach out. I’d love to connect!

To work with a financial planner that understands the Enneagram and how to apply money motivations to create your financial future, I encourage you to visit Team Duncan Financial.